I feel really hopeless right now.
I had a first date tonight with a guy that I think is super attractive and really funny, and it went horribly.
First, our drink orders got mixed up, so we switched. well, apparently they WEREN'T mixed up, I'm just really dumb and thought I had his drink so I made him switch with me. Turns out I was wrong. Secondly, he was on his phone for most of the meal. Texting. I wanted to say something about it but according to his previous statement earlier today, "it's just dinner" so I felt like I shouldn't have made a big deal about it. Third, he drove me to my car THAT I LOST so we drove around for a good 15 minutes until I remember where I had parked. Which was about 6 blocks away. This date...this date just didn't go at ALL how I expected.
It seems like after I lost you, nobody makes me feel the same. Well, of course not, because they're not you, but I don't even feel 1% of anything else besides physical attraction. All my mind thinks is it's not you, it's not the same, it's not. the. same. no man, woman or child could ever make me feel so happy, so passionate, so powerful, so beautiful, so strong, so protected, so fulfilled as you did. do. do, because just the thought of you still calms my heartbeat when I'm flustered or scared or nervous.
Half of my body/heart/mind has let you go, has accepted the fact that we will never be, that you're never coming back, that I will never see you again for the rest of my life.
The other half of me still waits for your number to pop up on my phone, your gentle tap on my window at night, your voice to speak my name in the craft aisle of Wal Mart on a Thursday night. It still hopes you'll whisk me away into the night, snatch me from my slumber and run away with me, by my side, forever. It still believes that you think about me every second of every day, you whisper my name into the wind hoping it will fall upon my little ears, you still love me, you would still give up anything for me.
Nobody is you, nobody ever will be you, and I'm not even sure I'm capable of loving someone that is not you.
I must focus on the positive; I love life, I love my job, I love my best friend. Just because I'm not whole doesn't mean I can't perform to the best of my abilities. My 64% is the same as your 110%, it's the best I can do and it's all I've got to give. I'm hopeful that over time the percentage will increase, since time is the healer of all wounds, but I can only wait and see where life takes me and face what new adventures come my way head-on.
bladios.
The first to have "button-smashing" listed as a medical condition,
Carrie
